The new trailer for Tron: Uprising is here, and it’s all animated and sexy. Starring the voices of Elijah “Creeped you out in Sin City” Wood, Lance “I make even shitty movies awesome” Henriksen, and Mandy “Really, I do movies?” Moore, this looks like it’s going to be a pile of pixelated pwnage.

Check it.

Beep boop.

Twixt, the crazy new thriller from Francis Ford Coppola featuring Val “I’m sorry about Batman Forever, please give me work” Kilmer and the epic narration of Tom “The man who gargles glass and bourbon” Waits looks like a crazy, twisted, fucked up fun time.

Val Kilmer plays a “bargain basement Stephen King” who writes a series of hackneyed books about witchcraft.

Strapped on cash and needing to come up with a damned good book to pay the bills.┬áThe creepy sheriff and bat house enthusiast (Oh yeah, Bruce “I’m gonna catch him and staple his ass shut”┬áDern is in it, too) comes to the rescue with a wild tale of mass murder and possible vampirism in their wee little town.

Ghostly dreams, devilish deeds, and quick cuts of bad teeth ensue, as Val Kilmer unearths a mystery that may just involve his own life.

This is, apparently, the best movie ever made.

My favorite part is when Batman cries. And the tears just kind of spray out of his face, then hang in the air like some kind of malformed plastic web.

And that bit with the fetish suit Catwoman and Robin showing up in his bedroom? I… I don’t even…

The new marketing campaign for Rise of the Planet of the Apes has shown some pretty epic (and pretty believable) viral videos of apes doing scary shit.

They start off innocent enough, showing gorillas walking upright, beating humans at intelligence tests, playing video games.

Then eventually they move into apes with AK-47′s, and chimps trained by Idi Amin to hunt his enemies with machetes and it’s full on nightmare material from there.

Check it.

Gorilla Walks Upright

Chimp Plays First Person Shooter

Chimp Beats Human: Intelligence Test

Ape With AK-47

Chimp with Machete

What the fuck is this shit? Really?

Okay, okay. I know. I wasn’t looking forward to this in the first place. The Sam Raimi Spider-Man movies were, in my opinion, perfect. Okay, one and two were. Like a rape victim, we’ll just block out the memory of Spider-Man 3.

But come on. Andrew Garfield looks like a sissy baby. And his hair is just way too big. It looks like he’s wearing a helmet made of two badgers that regularly bathe in wood glue. Or maybe his head’s just really big, and they’re able to do some amazing things with CG when it shows him wearing the Spidey suit.

But the sequence at the end of this trailer fucking seals it. This movie’s gonna blow. It seems to have come down with Doom syndrome. That’s a medical term. Because I’m a doctor.

It’s a term used to describe what happens when the movie itself is, instead, a video game. A video game that you’re watching someone else play. And it’s an on-rails game like House of the Dead. And the graphics suck.

No amount of the excruciatingly attractive Emma Stone can correct this.

The newest clip of Conan thrown to us lowly dogs shows of a dorable lil’ Conan doing some less than dorable things to a group of pointy toothed cannibal folk in the woods. It’s bloody, it’s violent, it’s brutal, it’s all the things Conan the Barbarian needs to be.

After seeing the early trailers, (less so with the hyper-violent red band trailer) I was left pretty disappointed. All the bad CG, the silly looking makeup effects, the greased up generic “Clash of the Titans” by way of “The Scorpion King” sword and sandals kind of shit that everyone’s been trying to hack out lately. It had me depressed. The moon base was sullen and ornery that day, my friends.

But this clip finally gives me some hope. The acting is good, the blood is great, and the costumes are dirty as fuck.

Bonus: Ron Perlman.

Check it.

Conan, if you disappoint me… I will crush you, see you driven before me, and hear the lamentations of your women.

New Judge Dredd photos!

July 18, 2011

These super badass snuck out pics of the dark and gritty reboot of Judge Dredd show that Karl “I can forgive you for Doom” Urban wears his sunglasses at night. I’m super excited. Mostly because I love all things Dredd. Even that Stallone movie from the 90′s.

Justice is blind.

Yours... if you can ever get it to work.

What? No. No, I never said anything about Doom. That's preposterous.

Simply titled “Dredd,” the retelling of the story of a gratuitously violent street judge from Mega City One is set to punch your ass in the face in 2012.

For those of you who didn’t go to see the last Harry Potter (or aren’t a high school girl), you’ll be happy to know that there was a real, full teaser trailer for The Dark Knight Rises. Not just the “storm of bats” one we posted earlier. And some classy motherfucker snuck it out for all of us to see.

This one features a speech by Ra’s Al Ghul from the first film, Commissioner Gordon in a hospital bed hooked up to life support, groggily telling Batman how much the city needs him now that he’s left, and Batman talking back, but without the trademarked frogthroat. Is that Bruce Wayne chillin’ with the Comish?

Ending up with some epic evil chanting (that, and maybe I’m just talking out of my ass here, I still think might herald a return of Ra’s Al Ghul) and a brief standoff shot between a pants-shittingly massive Bane and Bats.

I’m officially stoked.

Could The Dark Knight Rises end up being one of the rare, fabled GOOD trilogy enders?

Could Batman end up giving up his “no killing” coda in favor of Huey Lewis and the News, thus transforming into Patrick Batman?

We’ll have to wait and see. BUT I DON’T WANNA.

Have a listen. :-O

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