Duke Nukem Forever is finally out. The unpublishable game, published. No one ever thought it would come. Especially after 3D Realms was forced to cut funding of it due to financial problems in 2009.

Subsequently finished in the employees’ basements and brought over to Gearbox for finishing touches and console porting, it finally came out… to terrible, terrible reviews.

And I can’t understand why.

What, you expected fucking Shakespeare? You expected a hyper realistic Call of Warfare Modern Duty clone? A genre-breaking piece of video game art? You, sir, are a retard. That’s like going into Inglourious Basterds expecing Schindler’s List. This is the sequel to a game where the protagonist states with utter clarity that he’s going to decapitate a monster, then defecate in its gushing neck stump.

Then proceeds to do so.

He's a man of his word.

Duke Nukem Forever is exactly what I expected out of a Duke Nukem game. It has a foul-mouthed, narcissistic mysoginist that uses outlandish weapons to make bloody messes out of ridiculous monsters while drinking heavily and mouth-boning hot chicks. That’s all I wanted, and I’m happy with it.

That being said, here’s my personal rundown.

The Bad.
The Dukester is, of course, not without his problems. Like any game.

  1. Too many rail shooter sequences. Too much being walked around through an environment. Let me carve my own path of destruction, man. I want to duck and use cover and melee and shit. Not be guided through a predetermined tour.
  2. Lazily clipping polygons. Everywhere. Tables halfway in the ground, incessantly clipping clothes. I mean sure, it happens in games. But after 13 years, you’d think they’d correct a couple of these things. This is, of course, not a major issue.
  3. A horrible, horrible multiplayer. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve seen worse (I’m lookin’ at you, Dark Messiah of Might and Magic!) but I’ve definitely seen a lot better, too. The levels are awkward, the hitboxes are occasionally misaligned, and the weapon camping is fiercely easy to accomplish. Grab hold of the Devastator and a Jetpack, and you’ve turned into a burning sky god. It’s fun. But only for a little while.

The Good
More than makes up for its faults.

  1. Duke is a dick. And this is exactly how he should be. He curses, he drinks, he treats objects like women, man. Go ahead, get offended. That’s what it’s supposed to do, and it does it well.
  2. The old weapons are back, and they’re fucking rad. Carving holes through pigcops with the Ripper, shrinking lizardmen into wee little leprechauns and curbstomping them with your mighty foot with the Shrink Ray, freezing bitches just so you can relish in the sadistic satisfaction of shattering their icy organs across the map with the Freeze Ray. They’ve all retained their same level of fun, while being remarkably well polished and devastatingly brutal.
  3. Toilet humor. I don’t care what you say. Call me a kindergartener. But shit is funny. Picking up poop, photocopying your ass, peeing forever, these are the things that we’re embarrassed to laugh about. But that doesn’t stop us. And it damn well doesn’t stop Duke.
  4. Awesome explorable and usable environments. Using microwaves, lifting weights, turning on sinks, picking up rats and throwing them at innocent bystanders. You can do everything with everything in this game, and I love it.
  5. Scathing cameos. Remember when you found the “Doomed Space Marine” in Duke 3D? Multiply that by like a thousand. Master Chief, Leeroy Jenkins, Gordon Freeman, just about everyone gets lampooned in one way or another. Everyone that’s important, anyway.
Final Thoughts
I don’t see why everyone’s so disappointed. Maybe nobody has time to play with themselves anymore. In any case, I personally am, and forever will be, all outta gum. Thanks, Duke.